Since my flight was delayed until 5:55 I had some time to get a bite to eat and went to the Nashville staple - O'Charley's. Well, as I am waiting for my fried cheese wedges, who stumbles in -- our favorite inebriate! After dropping her carry-on somewhere in the vicinity of the bar, she hauled herself up on a stool and ordered something unintelligible -- I know, because even though she had her back to me and I couldn't hear her, the bartender couldn't understand her either and had to get her to repeat her order 3 times before she discerned our friend wanted a Bloody Mary (she was about as bad as the inbred Cajun from the Adam Sandler movies). I ate, left and prepared to get in the infamous Southwest Airlines que.
While I'm hanging out at the gate seeing if I can get a few seconds of free charge on my phone from the kiosk before having to board, but who ambles up -- right, our favorite inebriate! She is now nearly un-understandable -- squinty eyes, heavy speech, spittle, you name it. She clearly does not know the protocol and prepares to cut in front of all of the As, when I make the mistake of pointing out that she didn't even have a boarding pass and would have to go to the counter and get one (likely in steerage and hopefully near the back of the plane next to the lavatory).
As an aside here let me give a useful travel pointer -- don't cross the Southwest A's -- those people guard their status more zealously than a mama grizzly does her cub, certainly with more of a hair trigger than Sarah does Trig. I was A48, and had A47 get in my face and say I had to "get behind him." Buddy, what is it worth that you can pick your seat before me or get off the plane infinitesimally quicker than I? The whole Southwest boarding pass phenomena needs further academic study.
As another aside (not Southwest specific) but don't sit in the right front aisle seat (which is where I sat from Chitown to PHX) if there is any risk that an old lady is going to use the front lavatory but not properly shut the door -- there are things that you can't unsee!
But back to our story: well, our impaired friend didn't think that was the best solution and proceeded to try and crash the gate with whatever piece of paper she had in her hand at the time. Thankfully, the gate attendant pointed out to her (again!) that her "document" wasn't a boarding pass and that she'd have to get one from the counter. Inwardly I'm cheering because with a completely full plane there is no way this gal is getting anything but the unquestionably worst seat on the plane -- middle seat, last row against the lav. I may get a toddler, I may get an expectant mother with an outie, but at least I won't have this precious next to me! Little did I know!
As I am waiting for all the passengers to board I decided to put my iPhone into Airplane Mode (no radio activity whatsoever) in order to conserve battery, and listen to the soundtrack to Long Way Round (heavy on the Stereophonics and Radiohead -- great road-trippin' music). While I'm sitting there kind of jammin' out, waiting for the plane to fill up, and a not insubstantial part of me anxious for this whole adventure to start, but who ambles up but our brunette inebriate and she proceeds to take the middle seat between me an another normal guy. I'm really disappointed!
Well, I figure, I'll just keep these total immersion headphones in and pretend to be blissfully unaware of her presence - that is unless she throws up in my lap (which as we'll see later became a distinct possibility). Hopefully, she'll just take a nap and be none the worse for wear. Unfortunately, despite this gal being so "influenced" that she could barely navigate airport security, and took 3 tries to negotiate her drink order, she could just not sit still. If she wasn't getting up and down to go to the lavatory, she was fidgeting in her seat or crossing her right leg over her left and kicking it into my right leg (repeatedly and apparently unaware of what she was doing).
As we were preparing to land in Chitown, the weather was uncooperative and the crew had us come off our portable devices (aka shields against imbecile disturbance). Which meant I was going to have to turn of my iPhone and take off my headphones (certainly I could have kept the phones in, but then I would have been definitely tagged an ass). Now I was forced to deal one-on-one with the barely intelligible squirrel to my right. What did I find?
"Candace," at least that is how I think she pronounced her name (picture to the right). I'm pretty sure she repeatedly said she was 50-something (how that is an asset is beyond me). She kept putting her feet up against the seat ahead of her, which I'm certain pissed off that guy since he shoved his seat back into her feet at least twice (clearly she failed the airplane etiquette protocol). Then when she spoke it was if she'd recently undergone oral surgery, spoke with her mouth full of cotton or had a marked speech impediment -- imagine talking to someone whose tongue is 2 to 3 times its normal size -- she was barely intelligible. Yet she was also apparently bouncing off the walls of the plane -- thus, can someone be addicted to heroin (an anesthetic and depressant) and crack (a stimulant) at the same time? If so, Candace of SWA Flight 1735 BNA to MDW you take the prize!
However, the best is saved for last: as the plane started to descend into Chitown "Candace" started to involuntarily "burp" "chuck" or IMHO prepare to puke. She was complaining about how she had problems with the altitude adjustments associated with landings and at numerous times during the longest 5 minutes of my life I thought I was going to have to grab the barf bag (I've never had to do that and I have 10 and 8 year olds - imagine the likelihood?). Thankfully, "Candace" did not lose it.
The picture was taken soon after the risk of vomitous had subsided and when I explained I was going to write about this experience in our blog, "Candace" kept repeating how she wanted me to post her "phone number" in our blog. Even though I gave her several reasons why that was a bad idea (sexual assault advertisement?) I finally relented and said I post it. So Candace this is for you:
For a good time, call Candace: 867-5349!
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